Semi-Arranged Marriages for Catholics

Does the Catholic Church have a tradition of semi-arranged marriages?

Yes, I believe so.

The Catechism of the Council of Trent, in its section on holy matrimony, urges children to seek the consent of their parents before contracting a marriage. This semi-arrangement differs from the Old Testament practice of fathers “giving” their children to marriage. It offers a medium position between the extremes of fully arranged marriage versus the lunatic fringe of modern “dating, hooking up, and cohabitating.”

Also, although parents should not attempt to dominate a child’s vocational discernment, this was the prevailing Catholic custom (prior to the Evil Vatican 2 Council).

Why does this matter, though?

Because there is immense consternation among Catholic young people (and their concerned parents) over marriage prospects. For various reasons, Catholics cannot find suitable spouses. While this is not any one person’s fault, let us accept the blame for the disastrous collapse of Catholic courtship/marriage insofar as we’ve ignored traditional matchmaking methods.

What, then, are the traditional Catholics means of finding one’s spouse?

Traditional Catholic Matchmaking (Semi-Arranged)

In the traditional context, youngsters weren’t merely “turned loose” as they pleased with no accountability or assistance. Instead, most Catholic marriages were made similar to the way companies grant promotions. It’s where the boss (parents) would scan the pool of worthy applicants and train the best one for the job.

Rather than haphazard “dating,” young couples would be on a brief but purposeful probationary period, just like new employees. Moreover, like new employees, they would not enjoy the same benefits as full employees (couples that are already married).

The rules for the probationary period would be whatever the parents of both the young man and lady devised for the courtship. This covered the allotted time for company keeping, acceptable courtship activities, limited time for private conversation, and so forth.

Notice I said the parents of both the young man and lady. That implies something that today’s Catholic families struggle to comprehend sometimes. Catholic families MUST cooperate with one another to do the matchmaking, supervision, engagement, wedding planning, and early family development after marriage.

There are plenty of other details to traditional courtship, most of which vary depending on local customs. This, however, is the gist of it, an approach that requires much more input from all available adults, not just the courting couple.

Want to Get Married? Then Outbreed the Losers!

The two most popular chapters in my book, Caesar Vacantism, were 1) Holding Women Accountable, and 2) Outbreeding the Losers. Both have profound implications for family life. Alas, despite their popularity with male readers, these were not resoundingly well-received among marriageable women under 30 (perhaps, for obvious reasons).

Nevertheless, if you enter the married state, then you should endeavor to have a large family and repopulate this beleaguered world with morally sound (and less mentally ill) people. Marriage, contrary to what you might encounter in Theology of the Body, isn’t for the gratification of the couple, or as a form of sexual release. You and your spouse have a mission to not only breed, but to re-Catholicize the land with God-loving future saints.

You cannot, by the way, complain about the abundance of losers (who reproduce “accidental babies” into single motherhood) if you insist on “naturally planning” your marriage nonstop. Suffice to say, we could stand to have much more Holy-Spirit-Family-Planning, and far less National Family Planning.

This, of course, doesn’t mean you fail as a married couple if you are stricken with infertility. Recall the importance of intention whenever you take marriage vows. Anyone who approaches marriage with a firm willingness to bear children will please God, and receive abundant blessings one way or another.

Parents Don’t Fully Arrange Things, Though

Before I continue, however, let me insert the crucial reminder that parents cannot select or impose a vocation upon a child, under penalty of grave sin. It might amaze people to know that even the great St. Thomas Aquinas nearly fell victim to such treachery when his family tried to stop him from entering religious life.

They even kidnapped him, locked him in a tower, and employed a prostitute to change his mind somehow. If you haven’t done so already, please stop and read more of this incredible story on St. Thomas’ discernment (which ends well, of course).

Purposeful Parenting – A Way to Be a Witness to God’s Glory

Parents must be more deliberate about helping (without dominating) their children discover their vocation. It’s not enough to pray for a positive outcome because God desires to work through us with legitimate action.

“But God can do things without me. I’ll wait for that, instead.”

Have you noticed God almost always works differently in holy scripture?

Take, for example, Ananias and Saphira, who were struck dead for their dishonesty in Acs of the Apostles. Could their punishment have been carried out without St. Peter?

Yes, God could have given both of them a massive coronary, quickly halting their treachery. However, if He had done it that way . . . we might not know about it, and the Church would lack that tremendous warning in Acts Chapter 5. Instead, through His Apostles, He carried out His will, making it better known for the sake of posterity.

Therefore, we can see that God works through us, as missionary disciples, who would carry out His will, demonstrate His glory; all as part of working out our salvation. We’re not Protestants or Quietists who hide in a motionless, meditative cocoon. Common sense should show us that this is especially true for parents, who, by their state of life, do not possess the freedom to pray and contemplate all day. 

Today’s Disastrous “Sexual Marketplace”

Instead of a robust courtship process, properly supervised by attentive parents, today’s marriage matchmaking (if you could call it that) revolves around something called a “sexual marketplace.” Yes, if you’ve heard the term “meat market,” you already know the gist of this. It’s what awaits most/all young people of Western Civilization, following the deterioration of the virtue of chastity, brought about by extensive social engineering, central economic planning, and diabolical disorientation.

With the gradual erosion of modesty, the arrival of contraception, and even the elimination of child labor (turning children into useless liabilities), legitimate courtship has capsized. Combine this with the never-changing reality that young people still desire the pleasures of the flesh, and you arrive at the worst of all worlds. It creates a brutal and unaccountable sexual economy with little opportunity or concern for family proliferation.

I could offer further details about the devastating social engineering (from the late 1800s onward) contributing to this, but I believe it’s already well documented and understood.

Tim Gordon’s Solution – Outsourced Matchmaking

Are there any novel approaches to Catholic matchmaking worthy of consideration?

The popular semi-trad author and YouTuber, Tim Gordon, has attempted to reinvigorate certain traditional courtship aspects, albeit through modern online dating, with a twist. He and his wife, Stephanie, along with their friend Will Knowland, began a dating/matchmaking platform, Retvrn, where young men can pay to receive comprehensive help with finding a spouse. 

It requires what some consider a steep financial investment from the man ($1,000 application), whereas Catholic women join for free, a la “ladies’ night.” For that, young men earn access to two matches (within 90 days), along with the Gordons’ advice on how to conduct the courtship.

I view this as neither a “slam dunk,” nor a total dud (since it’s still new, and less tested). It does, however, appear to offer something beyond the pale of ordinary online dating, which has become supersaturated and minimally effective.

Here are the pros and cons to Gordon’s dating system as I see them.

Pros to Gordon’s System

• The Gordon/Knowland team actively locates good matches for men by getting to know them (through video discussions) and identifying potentially compatible partners. Prima facie, this is much more hands-on than almost all other dating services.
• It screens for several relevant marriageable factors (i.e., sterility Covid-19 vaccination status, number of previous sexual partners, debt service obligations, etc.).
• By requiring young men to fork over a significant financial investment, it entices them to be much more purposeful regarding their discernment.

Cons to Gordon’s System

• You might not trust Tim Gordon’s judgment on what constitutes a good spouse. Perhaps, for example, you’d rather do business with a fully trad Catholic, not a semi-trad.
• This replaces parental matchmaking (the traditional ideal) with the insights of strangers.
• It initially charged men $500 to participate, which has recently increased to $1,000. Some consider this a scam, capitalizing on the desperation of young Catholic men. Then again, it’s not as steep as the dowries young women’s families must pay for totally arranged marriages (in many cultures). Perhaps Gordon has struck the virtuous means between heavy pagan dowries versus 2020s Western Civilization, where young men simply purchase women with cheap drinks in a bar. Plus, if a young man receives rejection, Gordon promises a $950 refund.

How Shall We Test the Gordon System?

The best way to evaluate this system would be to take the “Gamaliel approach,” and let the market determine whether it’s viable. Gamaliel, the respected Pharisee, recommended a position of lenience toward the Christian apostles, for if their preaching was merely “the work of men,” it would squander on its own. This is the inevitable truth for all business ventures.

Here, we might do the same to evaluate Gordon’s program. If this system proves itself with a decent level of marriage matriculation (folks actually get married through it), then we should deem it operable. By the economic/marital fruits, you’ll know if it’s acceptable to Catholics.

Caveat: You can’t take the Gamaliel approach to everything (not for obviously immoral ideas), but it’s a way to test novel or uncertain mechanisms. If, upon further review, we discover morally dubious elements, then we would scrap Gordon’s system posthaste.

Let us uphold St. Augustine’s maxim, In necessariis unitas, in dubiis libertas, in omnibus caritas – in necessary things unity; in uncertain things liberty; in all things charity.

Are There Any “Practical” Suggestions for Unmarried Catholics?

I recommend young folks consider the following general decision matrix, based on their age:

• Over 30? → Try The Gordon Game (with modest expectations)
• Young & Have Dedicated Parents? → Ask them to semi-arrange your marriage.

Why does age matter?

Warning: Before I explain, remember that this is a zombie-free website, where we don’t gaslight or pander to stupid emotions (“wahh, you’re ‘ageist”).

With that disclaimer in mind, the age issue pertains to one’s viability in today’s marriage market. Regrettably, even traditional young Catholics cannot avoid the scarce realities of the loathsome sexual marketplace. The further you go beyond age 30, the more limited your options for viable partners. This is most pertinent to young women with waning fertility levels, but also, as we age, our inflexibility makes us less amenable to the whims and aggravation of courtship.

Conclusion – St. Paul’s Approach

We should return to holy scripture once again to review the most ideal calling for those who wish to pursue God most fervently. This is perhaps what folks ought to do after finally freeing themselves from mortal sin, venial sin, and most of the world’s temptations.

What happens when one “gets their act together” and becomes more worthy of Catholic marriage?

Since this involves substantial virtue building and growing in holiness, successful folks may find that they have outgrown the efficacy of marriage. Recall what the Apostle tells us in 1st Corinthians:

“He that giveth his virgin in marriage doth well; and he that giveth her not, doth better.”

Maybe once you reach a certain threshold for personal virtue, and become closer to God, you realize that the pool of available single Catholics seems far less appealing. This is true for men and women alike.

While that might seem like a frustrating wall to slam into as a young Catholic, it simply requires some perspective. St. Paul, after all, would like Catholics to avoid the secular pitfalls of marriage, and remain celibate like him. This may be the most reasonable path for frustrated Catholics.

Especially these days, where many young men struggle with “under-employment,” social anxiety, higher incidences of autism, and other social difficulties, God may call more Catholics to religious life. Thus, it would seem that those who aren’t answering the call properly are suffering frustration.

Of course, if you choose to remain in the world without discerning a monastic lifestyle, you’ll have to contend with the many distractions of the opposite sex. This will present a challenge, one you can assume God will permit. Such temptations offer a “thorn in the flesh,” allowing us to avoid the perils of pride.

Important Caveat on Religious Callings in the 2020s

Finally, let me insert one further caveat regarding religious callings. Given the state of the Church and its religious orders, most young folks won’t have many reliable options for the foreseeable future. Most of us already know how modernists have captured and transformed almost every major order.

Over the past five/six decades, they’ve yielded horrible fruits, and are on the verge of demographic extinction. The newest data suggests there are more nuns over age 95 than under 40. That doesn’t happen by accident, and neither should your decision to steer your children away from them. It’d almost be better for them to become Trans-Jennered and discern a call to join the “Sisters of Perpetually Irritable Bowels” in Los Angeles.

What Do Other Young Catholics Do Then? DIY Single Vocation

In practical terms, the young Catholics who are called to greater contemplation and less worldliness will have to embrace a more “DIY” semi-religious life. Some have dubbed this the non-consecrated single vocation.

While that might sound like failing to follow a specific calling, it could be a viable strategy for fighting today’s war against modernism. TraditionInAction author, Salwa Bachar, makes a commendable case for how this offers unmarried folks a more efficient means of countering the progressive revolution. In a nutshell, it frees Catholics to do a greater volume of missionary and contemplative tasks (many of which are less suitable for married/consecrated/ordained Catholics).

Don’t Neglect the Core Spiritual Components, Though

Let us conclude with the most important tasks, appropriate for almost everyone (regardless of state of life) if we wish to stem the tide of modernism.

• Pray the Rosary like the oldest man in the world, who prays it twice every day.
• Spend less time in the world, and more of it before the Blessed Sacrament in prayer.
• Skip the Novus Ordo and attend the Traditional Latin Mass, where you’ll find MUCH LARGER FAMILIES, and a far greater pool of marriageable prospects. If, however, you remain in “normal parishes,” then your daughters will have to marry . . . well, perhaps nobody. The alternative is to wait until age 95 and become a nun.
• If you are (or intend to be) married, recognize that the purpose of children is to hasten their salvation, not just their material existence.