Men Who Get Women
June 10, 2024
"So long as the love, even the smallest, of man toward woman is not destroyed, so long is his mind in bondage as the calf that drinks milk is to his mother." -Buddha
by Henry Makow Ph.D.
Like a Zen Koan, men who get women don't need them and don't want them. They aren't pretending. They don't want them and they don't need them.
Test this formula in reverse. Are women attracted to men who adore them? Temporarily maybe. But ultimately, women don't want to be idealized. They want to be seen and loved for whom they really are. A real woman is somewhat passive by nature. She looks to her husband to give her purpose. She doesn't want to be HIS purpose.
This wisdom has come too late to help me. In spite of being bright and relatively successful, I squandered my romantic life as the poster boy for needy. I was programmed by the mass media and education to regard sex and love, especially sex, as the prerequisite for my personal development. I was taught that these were the highest experiences life had to offer. In other words, I was inducted into an occult secular religion which required .... a woman.
PROGRAMMED TO FAIL
Popular occulture programmed me for failure. It taught me to idealize attractive women, to worship the "goddess" within, to "need" them to validate me. At the same time, women were programmed to think they were more unique and important than they really were.
In heterosexuality, women empower their husbands by exchanging their worldly power for his power expressed as love. (Men want power; women want love. Marriage is an exchange of the two. See my book "Cruel Hoax.") A woman does not respect a man she can control.
Attractive women were rarely portrayed in a negative light in movies or on TV. On the contrary, the rule was sex appeal = moral superiority. If an unattractive person was cast, the chances were s/he was a bad guy. (All of this is still true.) No wonder I pursued chimeras. No wonder my marriages were built on delusions.
Let's see this in a larger context: the modern world is not dedicated to realizing the intentions of the mysterious Intelligence that created the universe. We don't discern the inherent natural and moral laws that ensure our healthy development.
MEN WHO GET WOMEN
When I was young and full of religious zeal, I considered becoming a monk. I decided against it comparing myself to a hamburger cooked on only one side. As long as I craved feminine love and sex, I wasn't ready. But now I'm 74, happily married after three unsuccessful tries. Having put in countless hours of lovemaking and studying the female, I believe that sex and romance are mostly a matter of hormones and mental programming. Anonymous sex is a facsimile for love; pursuing an elusive goal by imitating the act of love. It is dehumanizing and degrading. Its normalization is a sign of our satanic possession.
Love grows over time when a man and woman trust each other for companionship and support. The other kind of love is worship, and that is reserved for God alone.
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You can find this article permanently at https://henrymakow.com/men_who_get_women_1.html
Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at
Comments for "Men Who Get Women"
Borris said (March 12, 2009):
I have this saying that many women to whom I have told have literally burst out laughing. Mostly because it does sound so corny, but it keeps me sane. Most woman I have met, will skip the first stage and only concentrate on the second and most men I have met will allow it even though to have a lover who knows not you or your dreams, is like having a real life inflatable doll at your side: "a cum bucket", as you put in one of your articles.
I would think if the men would demand more from their women instead of allowing them to act like little miss slut-slut, women would get the message that men don't want girls who have gone wild.
Anyways it goes:
There are 4 stages every woman will go thru in the life of a man.
Friend - with whom he learns to laugh, love, dream, and cry
Lover - of mind, body, and soul
Wife - because he needs no other
Mother - of that which makes him whole.
The journey thru the first three stages allows the fourth to flourish. so begin with a first step for the last step will be a lifetime in the making and a journey unto itself.
Needless to say, I have not found many woman that understand what I mean by this saying. Like I said, most laugh. However, I am also not in a position to even think about it because I have not become that which can provide a foundation upon which the "pillars" can be erected.....yet. I still have work to do in undoing that which has been done to my head and heart. Resent and bitterness is still strong in this man.
A future should never pay for mistakes of a past.
Nidal said (February 21, 2009):
I don’t know whether it is the age (33 now) or the maturity or the lack of really attractive women (inside and out) in our modern life that makes me feel now quite comfortable living without a woman in my life. I still can have occasional short relations or encounters, but marriage and relations are big "no no" for me at this point :) women need to change their attitude, social behaviour and level of knowledge (almost an impossibility in the current wave of hype and BS feminism) before I can consider one in my life.
Otherwise I will just set myself for unbearable pain and a detriment to my freedom and spiritual and intellectual development. The attention-to-women hype is a bubble just like any other economical bubble (after all women have become an economical product) that will bust with the rest of the hyper inflated bubbles. More and more men will be turned off by women’s attitude, and the women stocks will go bust, and then they will realize their real size in our social life and will return to their natural role in the society. Women will be looking for men and not the other way around. Of course this talk will hit right on the nerve of some people. But who cares, it is another crazy idea I have.
Jessica said (February 12, 2009):
There's a paragraph in the Urantia Book that says all the romantic embellishment given to marraige is the cause for divorce. Romance ruins romance. I threw away my old romantic movies. I am taking four college classes about politics and history. There's a whole world out there I had not discovered. I got a whole new CD case full of classical music to replace the romantic pop CD's I had. After letting your Cruel Hoax book sink in for so long I can no longer enjoy pop music. It's like nails on a chalkboard. Pop music is too mushy. I can't listen to it. I took them all to be traded.
Lisa said (February 12, 2009):
Fulfillment for a man comes from discovering what he was born to do, and doing it. God has given every man a mission. A man becomes a man when he finally believes in himself, and doesn't put any man or woman above him. These men don't need women, except to help them fulfill their mission. These are the real men real women want.
Henry,
Thank you immensely for your article. I can personally attest that this is true. I have been blessed with a relationship which allows me to do just this, and I have never been able to put my finger on the exact nature of this feeling of contentment and inner happiness that it brings me... a peace which passes all understanding.
I consider myself so blessed to be able to live this out in real life, but I, too, did not come into this knowledge until I was much older and wiser. I pray that some of your younger readers will learn from our mistakes and spare themselves a lot of heartache in the process.
Nada said (February 12, 2009):
AND VICE VERSA HENRY, 'WOMEN WHO GET MEN DON'T NED THEM....
HOWEVER, ANY ONE WHO NEEDS OTHER ENERGY TO SURVIVE...SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIS/HER ENERGY...
Vincent said (February 12, 2009):
After reading it, It made me realize that far too many of us males had our minds programed from such an early age to think this way. From the time I was a teen around 16 I seen physically attractive females as toys for sex & yes I too induldged on several occassions.
As a teen of 18 I was engaged for roughly 2 years to a girl that I thought was my lifemate, I couldn't understand why the sex was mutually great but my inner voice was telling me for a long period of time over the 2 years that somehow the relationship was void of something. That something was real healthy respect & a lack of evolving mutual partnership.
At 24 I met a young woman, we had sex very soon after the first date & within a few weeks she was pregnant. As I have never agreed with abortion, I felt obligated to marry her for the childs sake..mistake. We married, a year almost to the day another child, two years later we couldn't stand each other..no love, no caring & I had for some time before lost even the desire for any intimacy, I slept on the couch rather than be around her. The boys are grown now in their mid 20's but I have lived with the pain of not having been in their lives much after having moved across the country when they were 2 & three. I never told them of the time near the end when their mother came home with a piece of jewlery while mentioning a mans name she worked with who was "so nice" & gave her a present..I knew she was having an affair..the calls when I was home from work & no one would answer when I picked up. Why tell the boys, there's no good that can come from their knowing.
Failure again because I thought sex meant commitment to each other etc.
At last! (I bet you're saying the same thing after reading all of this)...Almost 19 years ago I met a woman three years younger than me. I'll be 48 next month. We were married 18 years ago & have one daughter who is now 15. I've changed so much since my younger days, I don't see women like I used to. My wife who had a birthday yesterday is a wonderful person, interesting, kind, loving, understanding, we're companions, the intimacy is still there, we have grown to know without having to ask when one of us needs a little extra love in the true sense of the word.
I now look back on how I used women & they used me without either really being fully aware of it or why. Sad that we have to take the long road to get to where we should have been in our development so long ago but the journey was worth it.
Often I look at my wife whe she's reading comfortably in a chair or while she's talking to me & I listen but also find myself truly loving her & respecting her for the person she is. It's what was missing all those years, real love based on respect, loyalty, compassion & love for who she is not selfish desire.
Lynda said (February 12, 2009):
Thank you for sharing your life's lessons and the wisdom you have distilled by your adventure. I don't know how many laps around the sun you have done, but you are lighting the way to more generous possibilities for humane fellowship (in all its dimensions) and joy.
Not for nothing does any society wishing to live through its generations surround courtship and marriage with the most careful attentions and the best the community can offer in terms of occaisions of happiness for the young people.
This is very carefully looked after by the older generations who anticipate the joys of grandchildren and posterity.
Great care is taken in how young women are introduced to young men. A young man is assisted by his family to get the wherewithal to establish his identity in the society through his skills and training. This can translate into a home.
A young woman is assisted by her family to obtain the means and the skills to make a home - whatever other education she may obtain. In societies which intend to perpetuate national, cultural and spiritual identity, young women do not just 'hang out' with men. They are secluded from the society of young males in groups.
Young men in groups in particular are not permitted to 'call the shots' in terms of social access for young women. If this is permitted as it is in America, what this means in fact is - if a young woman wants to go out, have fun with other young people, meet young men, see, be seen etc then she must pay a price in terms of sexual availability. No society that intends to survive as a society is going to allow this.
By the same token, neither are the young women as a group permitted to call the shots. For they will set the kind of rules that are materialistic in terms of fashion, popularity and are too slavish towards the most physically attractive men, most contemptuous of the more homely women.
Introductions and social events proceed under the guardianship of the elders of the community who finance and appoint recreation for the young men and women who may be eligible. Familiarity is not permitted to become contempt. The sterling qualities of the young man the family might 'have its eye on' will be presented to the eligible young woman in a way calculated to arouse her interest. Occaisions will be thoughtfully designed to introduce the young people and allow them to see each other in the best light.
Young North Americans were simply abandoned without family, cultural, spiritual disciplines of the community and brainwashed by the most determined foes of the society. They navigated uncharted sociological space and made a mess of it. But it is an INTERESTING mess with a huge learning curve and many possibilities for romantic recovery.
Lynda
The thought of being married to my female counterpart (left) horrifies me. In general, a man needs to accept his wife on her own terms, and be patient and nurturing. Never let her control you. Meet her reasonable demands.
(l. David Ayoub, MD)
David S said (July 1, 2018):
Well done. I circulated your article, "Men That Get Women."
Your confession that the understanding came too late for you added evidence of authenticity that is refreshingly unlike what is usually found in the bravado-ridden manosphere. This state of deprivation is true for me as well. I (b. 1957) was ruined by the bad ideas of the times and I did not figure it out for myself only later and with the help of others. My reward now comes from aiming for Heaven by tending my soul in thought & action as well as trying to alert others.